December 1, 2011

Dear Baby,

I have not written for a long time.  Last I wrote, I was job searching.  In this economy it is not easy.  There was a long period of adjustment that I underwent in order to put my life back in order.  I am getting there.

Today I plan to spend some time and really write about my feelings.  I will write in my own simple words without fear of being judged by my peers.  I will write the truth.

To give you some additional history, your father and I really tried hard.  We had a rough seven years.  Most people do not know our struggles.  We kept to ourselves worked hard and made things work.  When we moved to New Hampshire, we lived in someone's walk-in basement.  After the wedding, we had very little cash left and most of it went to complete a real estate project in Greece. 

Every day I commuted from Merrimack, NH to Boston.  I had to be at work at 8am.  This included getting in a car and driving to a train station which was 45 minutes away, and then taking a very slow train into the city.  I liked working in the city when I was there.  Boston is a beautiful city.  You can walk it during lunch.

What I couldn't get used to is the environment at work.  People are different here.  No one offended me, but I cannot get used to the closed door gossip.  It really bothers me.  You know what they are saying, it is shocking, and there is nothing you can do because they will never tell you to your face.  I made myself sick.  A few months after the wedding, I was at Mass General trying to figure out why I wouldn't menstruate anymore at the young age of 34.  They found a small harmless tumor in my pituatory gland that was causing increased prolactin levels in my blood.  The prolactin hormone, they tell me, causes loss of menstrual periods. I was asked to take Bromocriptine and to see a fertility specialist.  We could not get an appointment until January of the following year, due to some additional testing I had to do with the gynecologists and neuroendocrine, which included an MRI to evaluate the size of the tumor.  .5 mm and nothing to worry about but they keep an eye on it so that it does not grow.

I was devestated that I could not naturally find my cycle anymore.  The fertility specialist started me first with clomid.  It was unsuccessful in getting me to ovulate.  My FSH levels were extremely high.  Off the charts.  More testing.  More vaccines, more digging into my family's medical history.  Meanwhile, I had quit my job and was working temporarily at Macy's until I found something else.  I discovered that in New England, if you are from out of town, you are less likely to find a job than a local person, no matter your qualifications.  I also discovered that in New England if you are slightly foreign in any way, that really does not work in your favor.  In January, I took a commission only job with a mortgage company.  I did exceptionally well.  Well enough to be able to pay Mass General $350 every other day to check my blood and the progress of my estrogen levels.  After many months of increased dosages of fertility drugs, I still could not ovulate....

... I will pick up where I left off tomorrow.