The past two weeks I have not been able to blog. The holidays are difficult. They will be so much better when you come home. Today we received an email from the agency and we are still in the same place in line that we were 2 and a half months ago.
Where I left off in my last blog, is when the most challenging times of my life were starting to occur. The first trip to the Czech Republic was full of hope. I had two embryos implanted. Meanwhile, coming back was difficult. Economic times were quite tough. We had just lost our accounts payable person and were working with a temp. I came back and had to be at work the next day. In my rush to get to work in a hurry out of fear of being accused of being a minute or two late, I got into an accident. The traffic was bumper to bumper and I was jet lagged, the sun was shining in my eyes and for a split second I didn't see the car in front of me stop. It was just a small bump in the back but it affected both the car in front of me and the car behind me. After we sorted this out, I went to work stressed, but somehow managed to get there on time (fear does amazing things to people). I had informed everyone that I would not lift anything upon my return. I don't know if it was the stress from being cramped in a plane the day before for many hours, the ride home in a van over the bumpy road, the car accident and the fear of being reprimanded for petty things at work or the guy that didn't want to bend over and pick up a binder for me and caused me to strain myself. All I know is that it probably just wasn't meant to be. I went to the bathroom and noticed one little red dot and then some bleeding it was around 1 pm. I told my manager with a red face and she reluctantly said "well, if you feel like you can't stay, ...." she guilted me and I stayed. And yet, I still had hope, hope that I only lost one embryo and worked the rest of the day with my feet on the garbage can as if this was going to stop what was happening. I didn't feel like I had any other option. Suffice it to say, that trip was unproductive and we had to wait another seven months before we could go back. There was money to be saved and vacation time to be earned. I allowed a lot of days to accumulate until then. More of this story tomorrow.
Check out our fundraising site
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
December 7, 2011
Today's blog will probably be short and sweet. I am starting to feel better as I share my story and get it all out. I have been holding all this stress in for years and writing about my experiences is helping me heal.
When I was working at the biotech company, we made the decision to go to the Czech Republic for the embryo transfer with egg donor. It was an organized program. A Czech woman from Atlanta had designed a program that enabled couples to get IVF treatments relatively cheap while on vacation in Brno, Czech Republic. There was coordination with the doctors long distance. They supplied you with medication to take and prepare for the cycle. They put you on a calendar and when the time came they had a donor ready for extraction. It sounded great! The first time we went was in May of 2008. It was a wonderful experience. We flew into Vienna, Austria. We walked the city of Vienna our first day there. It was so beautiful. The architecture was so detailed. There were grandiose palaces all over the city. The streudel was delicious. I even bought a pair of European shoes to wear to the office.
We took the train in to Brno (the city where the doctor was located). The Czech Republic was a much poorer country than Austria. The people there were simple and honest. They had a nice apartment for us with every comfort. We had a nice bed and a sofa and a kitchen to cook in. The neighborhood we stayed in was quite safe. It was not too far from the doctors office. There was a huge convention center across the street and some hotels in the neighborhood. What was interesting was that there was a red light at the corner (but we will not go into that right now). There was a really great Indian restaurant in the first floor of the next door building and we had at least two of our dinners there.
It has been a long day for me today and I need a little rest. I will pick up this story tomorrow. Sweet dreams.
When I was working at the biotech company, we made the decision to go to the Czech Republic for the embryo transfer with egg donor. It was an organized program. A Czech woman from Atlanta had designed a program that enabled couples to get IVF treatments relatively cheap while on vacation in Brno, Czech Republic. There was coordination with the doctors long distance. They supplied you with medication to take and prepare for the cycle. They put you on a calendar and when the time came they had a donor ready for extraction. It sounded great! The first time we went was in May of 2008. It was a wonderful experience. We flew into Vienna, Austria. We walked the city of Vienna our first day there. It was so beautiful. The architecture was so detailed. There were grandiose palaces all over the city. The streudel was delicious. I even bought a pair of European shoes to wear to the office.
We took the train in to Brno (the city where the doctor was located). The Czech Republic was a much poorer country than Austria. The people there were simple and honest. They had a nice apartment for us with every comfort. We had a nice bed and a sofa and a kitchen to cook in. The neighborhood we stayed in was quite safe. It was not too far from the doctors office. There was a huge convention center across the street and some hotels in the neighborhood. What was interesting was that there was a red light at the corner (but we will not go into that right now). There was a really great Indian restaurant in the first floor of the next door building and we had at least two of our dinners there.
It has been a long day for me today and I need a little rest. I will pick up this story tomorrow. Sweet dreams.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
December 6, 2011
I delayed writing today. I tried something new: an African Dance exercise class. It was quite fun.
Yesterday, I left off with the new job at the biotech company. It was in the same office park as my fertility clinic. We contemplated over whether it was worth it or not to save another $30,000 to try again and be disappointed. My weight was inching up and the doctor did not want to work with me unless I lost additional pounds. Meanwhile, things were getting hard at work. In the beginning, although I really enjoyed working there, I had enough work to keep me there until 7pm on most nights. I improved as many processes and tried to work faster to leave earlier. During this time, we were told by many friends to try going to Greece for fertility treatments. Not only were the clinics there, quite successful, but the treatments were relatively free of charge. I tried to coordinate it, but short of going there for 3 months and staying until I lost weight and got pregnant, there was nothing more I can do long distance. Your father was willing to support me in this. I was online talking to some other infertility groups and many people recommended travel to the Czech Republic. The medical help there was far more affordable. More tomorrow.
Yesterday, I left off with the new job at the biotech company. It was in the same office park as my fertility clinic. We contemplated over whether it was worth it or not to save another $30,000 to try again and be disappointed. My weight was inching up and the doctor did not want to work with me unless I lost additional pounds. Meanwhile, things were getting hard at work. In the beginning, although I really enjoyed working there, I had enough work to keep me there until 7pm on most nights. I improved as many processes and tried to work faster to leave earlier. During this time, we were told by many friends to try going to Greece for fertility treatments. Not only were the clinics there, quite successful, but the treatments were relatively free of charge. I tried to coordinate it, but short of going there for 3 months and staying until I lost weight and got pregnant, there was nothing more I can do long distance. Your father was willing to support me in this. I was online talking to some other infertility groups and many people recommended travel to the Czech Republic. The medical help there was far more affordable. More tomorrow.
Monday, December 5, 2011
December 5, 2011
Today I will write about the transition from the video on demand company to the biotech company and the alterations we made to our fertility plan.
For starters, it was with a reluctant heart that I left the video on demand company, as with all my decisions since we moved, every job move was focused on giving birth or bringing you home and absolutely NOT on my career. My career is not so important compared to being a mother. I just took jobs that would enable me to become a mother and that is all I think and breathe 24/7. I bow my head down and let people treat me as they will, because I will not EVER lose my focus. My focus is you. I will do anything for you.
As it turns out, I found a great oppotunity with a small biotech company in Lexington, MA. I was to be the Sr. Accountant reporting to the Finance Manager and when I first started, there was another Manager and 2 other people in my department. I loved going there. What this company is doing is amazing. I will tell you about it one day. This company is will bring us together. It was my fate to go there. It was my fate to meet the very generous CEO of this company and have been introduced to the Armenian culture. I will never forget his generosity for as long as I live.
To start at the beginning, it was a coincidence that this company was in the same office park as my fertility clinic. But I will have to continue this story tomorrow.
For starters, it was with a reluctant heart that I left the video on demand company, as with all my decisions since we moved, every job move was focused on giving birth or bringing you home and absolutely NOT on my career. My career is not so important compared to being a mother. I just took jobs that would enable me to become a mother and that is all I think and breathe 24/7. I bow my head down and let people treat me as they will, because I will not EVER lose my focus. My focus is you. I will do anything for you.
As it turns out, I found a great oppotunity with a small biotech company in Lexington, MA. I was to be the Sr. Accountant reporting to the Finance Manager and when I first started, there was another Manager and 2 other people in my department. I loved going there. What this company is doing is amazing. I will tell you about it one day. This company is will bring us together. It was my fate to go there. It was my fate to meet the very generous CEO of this company and have been introduced to the Armenian culture. I will never forget his generosity for as long as I live.
To start at the beginning, it was a coincidence that this company was in the same office park as my fertility clinic. But I will have to continue this story tomorrow.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
December 4, 2011
Today I will continue the egg donor story.
While I was working at the finance department of the video on demand company, I invested all of my free time in looking for an egg donor. It had to be the right person. We were looking for intelligence, someone that looked like us, good family health history, etc. We finally found a college student that we liked. It was a long process to line up our cycles and she lived in another state, so there was a scheduling issue to contend with as well. I really did not have a choice as to when I go in for treatment. Our cycles had to align and she had to be available to fly in to make the donation. Although, I thought the insurance covered the cost, it really was not the case. I could not be reimbursed for her expenses because they had to protect her anonimity. No one was willing to help with the documents. It was quite stressful. I started to slowly gain a lot of weight and it wasn't helping my situation any. Every time I am stressed I turn to food for comfort.
I was super stressed during this period of my life. When the day came, they were only able to get one good embryo and one average one. I went in for the good one and froze the average one. I was under the impression my doctor would perform the procedure. It turns out there was a less experienced doctor in his place. After 20 minutes of struggling to get the embryo into my uterus (I have a difficult anatomy) I started to call out bring me my doctor now. I saw in the eyes of the nurse, as much as she was trying to hide it that the embryo was not going to survive all this torture. There goes $20,000 cash that I saved $1,000 at at time, over a long period of time. My doctor finally came (he happened to be in the building), he performed the procedure but a couple of weeks later I found that it did not work.
I started to prepare for the frozen embryo. Again, my clock was ticking fast and I had to move on this procedure. I went in for the frozen embryo. I had to schedule on a day that was right for my cycle and for my doctor to be there. It worked out fine. However, it caused problems for me at work. My boss had a fit because she wanted one stupid report and she coudn't wait 1 day. I took 1 day off and it was a HUGE deal. To make a long story short. This embryo was quite tough. For the first time ever, I saw signs for the pregnancy hormone in my blood test. They were very low. I had also decided to job search around this time to alleviate some of the stress of wanting a day off the next time around in case things did not work out. As I continued to check the levels of the pregnancy hormone they were not high enough and eventually the pregnancy did not take. I blamed myself. I blamed the stress of my job. Losing weight, having fertility treatments, holding down a job, and saving the money to make it happen were all in conflict with each other.
Tomorrow I will write about the changes I made.
While I was working at the finance department of the video on demand company, I invested all of my free time in looking for an egg donor. It had to be the right person. We were looking for intelligence, someone that looked like us, good family health history, etc. We finally found a college student that we liked. It was a long process to line up our cycles and she lived in another state, so there was a scheduling issue to contend with as well. I really did not have a choice as to when I go in for treatment. Our cycles had to align and she had to be available to fly in to make the donation. Although, I thought the insurance covered the cost, it really was not the case. I could not be reimbursed for her expenses because they had to protect her anonimity. No one was willing to help with the documents. It was quite stressful. I started to slowly gain a lot of weight and it wasn't helping my situation any. Every time I am stressed I turn to food for comfort.
I was super stressed during this period of my life. When the day came, they were only able to get one good embryo and one average one. I went in for the good one and froze the average one. I was under the impression my doctor would perform the procedure. It turns out there was a less experienced doctor in his place. After 20 minutes of struggling to get the embryo into my uterus (I have a difficult anatomy) I started to call out bring me my doctor now. I saw in the eyes of the nurse, as much as she was trying to hide it that the embryo was not going to survive all this torture. There goes $20,000 cash that I saved $1,000 at at time, over a long period of time. My doctor finally came (he happened to be in the building), he performed the procedure but a couple of weeks later I found that it did not work.
I started to prepare for the frozen embryo. Again, my clock was ticking fast and I had to move on this procedure. I went in for the frozen embryo. I had to schedule on a day that was right for my cycle and for my doctor to be there. It worked out fine. However, it caused problems for me at work. My boss had a fit because she wanted one stupid report and she coudn't wait 1 day. I took 1 day off and it was a HUGE deal. To make a long story short. This embryo was quite tough. For the first time ever, I saw signs for the pregnancy hormone in my blood test. They were very low. I had also decided to job search around this time to alleviate some of the stress of wanting a day off the next time around in case things did not work out. As I continued to check the levels of the pregnancy hormone they were not high enough and eventually the pregnancy did not take. I blamed myself. I blamed the stress of my job. Losing weight, having fertility treatments, holding down a job, and saving the money to make it happen were all in conflict with each other.
Tomorrow I will write about the changes I made.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
December 3, 2011
As the days pass, I will continue the sorted soap opera of how we came to the decision to do the right thing and adopt.
After we found out that I needed an egg donor, we were in denial about it. We decided to seek help from an alternative source. Basically, trying on our own and seeking the help of alternative medicine practitioners. I did fertility diets. Many people have recommended accupuncture.. which I have to say is quite helpful, I actually saw an improvement to my hormonal balance and it was directly related to accupuncture. We eventually found a practitioner in Greenwich, CT that specialized in fertility treatments through the use of Chinese teas. We would drive there for 3 hours on a Sunday to be evaluated, to pick up the tea mix, and sometimes take the train into NYC for dinner and drive 3 hours back home. We were quite dedicated to this mission. Honestly, I believe if I kept at it, the teas would have turned around a lot of my troubles, but we were not meant to give birth. We were meant to be your parents. I know this now. Well after many Sundays, this habit started to be a little expensive. The mortgage business was starting to go downhill. The company I was with was not getting the business it was getting when I first started with them, and I was not in the business long enough to have a long client list that I could network through for referrals. Not having a lot of cash to invest in personal advertising, I had a lot of decisions to make. Of course there were other mortgage companies, word had gotten out of my performance and I was being actively recruited by some friends that had switched companies. Meanwhile, your father was feeling a lot of stress and he wound up in the hospital with chest pains. I remember hanging up the phone and bursting into tears. My boss was kind and offered to drive me to the hospital. I told him that I will be OK, but come Friday I will have some decisions to make. He understood. The fact that Thanasi was feeling so much stress made me want to try even harder. I switched companies temporarily and negotiated good hours so that I can secretly job search. In the summer I landed a temporary position with a company that was in the video on demand business. I marketed my degree and landed in their accounting department. I worked hard and in two months they were quite pleased with my output and offered me a permanent position. I was truly very happy to have this opportunity, particularly given that they had insurance that covered the cost of an egg donor (which is quite high). Immediately after hiring me, they hired a new Director of Accounting and Reporting. I was working for the Accounting Manger at the time, and this new person was to be her boss. The environment there was so nice and laid back. People would bring their pets to work. We had loads of fun. I happened to sit outside of the new Director's office. She and I became fast friends and before long she was trusting me with her work and everything else. She started to trust me a little too much. Pretty soon I was in there all the time listening to her dramas. She eventually fired the Accounting Manager and took me under her wing... there is a lot to be told of this story, but today is Saturday and your father wants to go run errands.. have to run.. stay tuned for more tomorrow.
After we found out that I needed an egg donor, we were in denial about it. We decided to seek help from an alternative source. Basically, trying on our own and seeking the help of alternative medicine practitioners. I did fertility diets. Many people have recommended accupuncture.. which I have to say is quite helpful, I actually saw an improvement to my hormonal balance and it was directly related to accupuncture. We eventually found a practitioner in Greenwich, CT that specialized in fertility treatments through the use of Chinese teas. We would drive there for 3 hours on a Sunday to be evaluated, to pick up the tea mix, and sometimes take the train into NYC for dinner and drive 3 hours back home. We were quite dedicated to this mission. Honestly, I believe if I kept at it, the teas would have turned around a lot of my troubles, but we were not meant to give birth. We were meant to be your parents. I know this now. Well after many Sundays, this habit started to be a little expensive. The mortgage business was starting to go downhill. The company I was with was not getting the business it was getting when I first started with them, and I was not in the business long enough to have a long client list that I could network through for referrals. Not having a lot of cash to invest in personal advertising, I had a lot of decisions to make. Of course there were other mortgage companies, word had gotten out of my performance and I was being actively recruited by some friends that had switched companies. Meanwhile, your father was feeling a lot of stress and he wound up in the hospital with chest pains. I remember hanging up the phone and bursting into tears. My boss was kind and offered to drive me to the hospital. I told him that I will be OK, but come Friday I will have some decisions to make. He understood. The fact that Thanasi was feeling so much stress made me want to try even harder. I switched companies temporarily and negotiated good hours so that I can secretly job search. In the summer I landed a temporary position with a company that was in the video on demand business. I marketed my degree and landed in their accounting department. I worked hard and in two months they were quite pleased with my output and offered me a permanent position. I was truly very happy to have this opportunity, particularly given that they had insurance that covered the cost of an egg donor (which is quite high). Immediately after hiring me, they hired a new Director of Accounting and Reporting. I was working for the Accounting Manger at the time, and this new person was to be her boss. The environment there was so nice and laid back. People would bring their pets to work. We had loads of fun. I happened to sit outside of the new Director's office. She and I became fast friends and before long she was trusting me with her work and everything else. She started to trust me a little too much. Pretty soon I was in there all the time listening to her dramas. She eventually fired the Accounting Manager and took me under her wing... there is a lot to be told of this story, but today is Saturday and your father wants to go run errands.. have to run.. stay tuned for more tomorrow.
Friday, December 2, 2011
December 2, 2011
So today we will pick up where we left off yesterday. I was telling the story of my initial introduction to infertility and the decisions we had to make to bring us to ultimately find our purpose. Our purpose is to raise you.
So while I was at the mortgage company, every other morning at 7am I needed to be at Mass General checking my blood and estrogen levels as well as having an ultrasound to see if I ovulated, then rushing off to work in a hurry. During that time, I was still overweight but I had it under control. One fine August my doctor went to Greece on vacation and left her office in charge of my cycle. Every time I went in they doubled the dose of the shots I was taking in the stomach. Not to mention that they are a teaching hospital and I had to endure the humiliation of having 6 interns watch me while I was being examined. As the dose kept doubling, I still would not ovulate. Until my doctor came back and had to reprimand her office for putting way too many hormones in my body. At that point she had to intervene and break the news to us that the likelihood that I would ever ovulate with or without help would be 5% and that I should consider an egg donor while I was still young enough to carry. Your father was devastated, he took me and marched out of her office and forbid me to contact her again. It really wasn't her fault, but he was so looking forward to being a father, he didn't know how to cope.
Meanwhile, the doctor at neuroendocrine, which was her friend pleaded with me to go back to her. My clock was definitely ticking fast.... tomorrow I will write more....
So while I was at the mortgage company, every other morning at 7am I needed to be at Mass General checking my blood and estrogen levels as well as having an ultrasound to see if I ovulated, then rushing off to work in a hurry. During that time, I was still overweight but I had it under control. One fine August my doctor went to Greece on vacation and left her office in charge of my cycle. Every time I went in they doubled the dose of the shots I was taking in the stomach. Not to mention that they are a teaching hospital and I had to endure the humiliation of having 6 interns watch me while I was being examined. As the dose kept doubling, I still would not ovulate. Until my doctor came back and had to reprimand her office for putting way too many hormones in my body. At that point she had to intervene and break the news to us that the likelihood that I would ever ovulate with or without help would be 5% and that I should consider an egg donor while I was still young enough to carry. Your father was devastated, he took me and marched out of her office and forbid me to contact her again. It really wasn't her fault, but he was so looking forward to being a father, he didn't know how to cope.
Meanwhile, the doctor at neuroendocrine, which was her friend pleaded with me to go back to her. My clock was definitely ticking fast.... tomorrow I will write more....
Thursday, December 1, 2011
December 1, 2011
Dear Baby,
I have not written for a long time. Last I wrote, I was job searching. In this economy it is not easy. There was a long period of adjustment that I underwent in order to put my life back in order. I am getting there.
Today I plan to spend some time and really write about my feelings. I will write in my own simple words without fear of being judged by my peers. I will write the truth.
To give you some additional history, your father and I really tried hard. We had a rough seven years. Most people do not know our struggles. We kept to ourselves worked hard and made things work. When we moved to New Hampshire, we lived in someone's walk-in basement. After the wedding, we had very little cash left and most of it went to complete a real estate project in Greece.
Every day I commuted from Merrimack, NH to Boston. I had to be at work at 8am. This included getting in a car and driving to a train station which was 45 minutes away, and then taking a very slow train into the city. I liked working in the city when I was there. Boston is a beautiful city. You can walk it during lunch.
What I couldn't get used to is the environment at work. People are different here. No one offended me, but I cannot get used to the closed door gossip. It really bothers me. You know what they are saying, it is shocking, and there is nothing you can do because they will never tell you to your face. I made myself sick. A few months after the wedding, I was at Mass General trying to figure out why I wouldn't menstruate anymore at the young age of 34. They found a small harmless tumor in my pituatory gland that was causing increased prolactin levels in my blood. The prolactin hormone, they tell me, causes loss of menstrual periods. I was asked to take Bromocriptine and to see a fertility specialist. We could not get an appointment until January of the following year, due to some additional testing I had to do with the gynecologists and neuroendocrine, which included an MRI to evaluate the size of the tumor. .5 mm and nothing to worry about but they keep an eye on it so that it does not grow.
I was devestated that I could not naturally find my cycle anymore. The fertility specialist started me first with clomid. It was unsuccessful in getting me to ovulate. My FSH levels were extremely high. Off the charts. More testing. More vaccines, more digging into my family's medical history. Meanwhile, I had quit my job and was working temporarily at Macy's until I found something else. I discovered that in New England, if you are from out of town, you are less likely to find a job than a local person, no matter your qualifications. I also discovered that in New England if you are slightly foreign in any way, that really does not work in your favor. In January, I took a commission only job with a mortgage company. I did exceptionally well. Well enough to be able to pay Mass General $350 every other day to check my blood and the progress of my estrogen levels. After many months of increased dosages of fertility drugs, I still could not ovulate....
... I will pick up where I left off tomorrow.
I have not written for a long time. Last I wrote, I was job searching. In this economy it is not easy. There was a long period of adjustment that I underwent in order to put my life back in order. I am getting there.
Today I plan to spend some time and really write about my feelings. I will write in my own simple words without fear of being judged by my peers. I will write the truth.
To give you some additional history, your father and I really tried hard. We had a rough seven years. Most people do not know our struggles. We kept to ourselves worked hard and made things work. When we moved to New Hampshire, we lived in someone's walk-in basement. After the wedding, we had very little cash left and most of it went to complete a real estate project in Greece.
Every day I commuted from Merrimack, NH to Boston. I had to be at work at 8am. This included getting in a car and driving to a train station which was 45 minutes away, and then taking a very slow train into the city. I liked working in the city when I was there. Boston is a beautiful city. You can walk it during lunch.
What I couldn't get used to is the environment at work. People are different here. No one offended me, but I cannot get used to the closed door gossip. It really bothers me. You know what they are saying, it is shocking, and there is nothing you can do because they will never tell you to your face. I made myself sick. A few months after the wedding, I was at Mass General trying to figure out why I wouldn't menstruate anymore at the young age of 34. They found a small harmless tumor in my pituatory gland that was causing increased prolactin levels in my blood. The prolactin hormone, they tell me, causes loss of menstrual periods. I was asked to take Bromocriptine and to see a fertility specialist. We could not get an appointment until January of the following year, due to some additional testing I had to do with the gynecologists and neuroendocrine, which included an MRI to evaluate the size of the tumor. .5 mm and nothing to worry about but they keep an eye on it so that it does not grow.
I was devestated that I could not naturally find my cycle anymore. The fertility specialist started me first with clomid. It was unsuccessful in getting me to ovulate. My FSH levels were extremely high. Off the charts. More testing. More vaccines, more digging into my family's medical history. Meanwhile, I had quit my job and was working temporarily at Macy's until I found something else. I discovered that in New England, if you are from out of town, you are less likely to find a job than a local person, no matter your qualifications. I also discovered that in New England if you are slightly foreign in any way, that really does not work in your favor. In January, I took a commission only job with a mortgage company. I did exceptionally well. Well enough to be able to pay Mass General $350 every other day to check my blood and the progress of my estrogen levels. After many months of increased dosages of fertility drugs, I still could not ovulate....
... I will pick up where I left off tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)