Dear Baby,
I am coming towards the end of the story of how we came to make the decision to adopt. After that, I will fast forward to the present.
That winter of 2009, we went to the Czech Republic for our last try of IVF. I came back (to make a long story short) to lack of support and understanding. The results were negative. We went to Chicago for XMAS and I was very depressed. I am tired of hearing people tell me "next year you will have a baby"
I have always wanted to adopt. To be honest, I didn't know I was going to meet your father. He is the perfect person for me. I didn't know he existed and had already decided I would eventually adopt because that is what I wanted to do. You will get to know me and see it in my nature.
I am naturally a nurturer. You father figured it out on his own. He saw the calling. He was very excited when we made the decision. It is so meant to be.
We started to research and educate ourselves and reach out to people until we found the right approach with the right agency. We are now patiently waiting. You are not born yet at the time of this writing. We are just waiting for the stars to align, for you to be born, and for us to unite as a family.
Meanwhile, we are working on our health, our careers, our home and our finances. I have a lot to learn yet. Every day I learn something new about myself. I wish for wisdom when the time comes to raise you. Life has so many lessons. I am learning them by the day and by the minute.
This year my focus will be on health. The healthier I become, the more years we will spend together. Your father is doing the same. That is all I have today. The next writing will be more positive and descriptive of our current experiences.
Love you. XOXOXO
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Saturday, February 4, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
January 21, 2012
Dear sweet baby,
It has been two weeks since I have wrote. I am really starting to long for you. I am filling my time as best as I can and exercising my patience. It is only a matter of time and we will be together.
I will continue the story where I last left off. That December of 2008 that we went to the Czech Republic, I had saved all of my vacation time so that I can rest after the implantation. Since this did not happen for us, I stayed at home anyways so that I could recover emotionally. And this is what I did.
At the start of 2009, I was filled with optimism. I made plans to go to the doctor to be examined. There must have been a reason my anatomy wouldn't allow for this. I was just going to fix it and try again. Try as many times as I needed to until that one time when I would succed. That is all it takes, I told myself. One time. It is a numbers game. And this is what I did. I went to the doctor and found two small pollyps in my uterus. He was able to remove one in his office, albeit dangerous as that was, I have to say he was pretty good. The second one, I would have to go to an OB/gyn for to prepare for surgery. More tests involving painful procedures and as I was preparing to schedule the surgery, we learned some devastating news.
Your grandfater, George, had Stage IV stomach cancer. We knew that he had his stomach removed the preceding summer, but did not know why. Your father was just besides himself. He did not want to believe it. I kept telling him, it is true. We have to move fast. We have to do something. He was in such denial. By the time we asked for paperwork to examine the situation it was too late. Everyone that looked at it said there was nothing to be done. Your father still had hope. We put the baby project on the back burner. I kept trying to persuade him to go to Greece. The news was so devastating to him he moved it to the back of his mind and kept on plugging away, until Aunt Yiota called him and told him it was extremely serious and we had to leave right away. We went to see him in June. It was awful. He was in so much pain he could not bear it. I really liked and respected him. He was smart and strong and capable. It was sad to see him go through this. Your father didn't know what to think; he didn't know what to say; he didn't know what to do. Even as this was happening before his eyes, he couldn't believe it. It was surreal. Your father and I will tell you a lot about him when you are old enough to understand.
We went to Greece to visit. Came back. Two weeks later your father was called back to Greece and he made it just in time to see him one last time. He was a very strong man. He stayed strong to the very end. That year your father went to Greece four times. Luckily, his job was flexible and he did not have any problems. The economy was at its worst during that time. We both had layoffs at work. My company cut its work force in half. Your father's company lost over 300 people and scaled down to a small remote office of 10. Your father made it through by working hard and keeping informed. Education is important. If you do anything if your life, please get yourself a degree. Your life will be easier. I promise you that. At the time of this writing, I am unsure if I will live long enough to see you go to college. I hope that I do. You would make me very proud to know that you were a scholar. I am already planning for it. 50% of my checks are devoted to you. Life was not easy for me or your father. We are financially comfortable yet we struggle. We struggle because we do not have the support that we plan to give you. We did whatever we did on our own without any help from anyone. My other wish for you is to be charitable. If someone needs your support in any way, you must provide it. You don't know what people are struggling with on the inside. One little thing that you may do, can change their life for the better. You may not know it; they may not know it; but keep doing good and it will happen. Do it privately. No one needs to know. Beware of those that ask for a lot. They are not in need. Those that ask take advantage of others. They will ask to see how far they will go. Please use your judgment. I am writing all these things down because I don't know from one day to the next what will happen in this life. I want you to know that we will always love you and have your best interest at heart and we are giving you whatever advice we learned from life. When you come to live with us, a good portion of our life will be behind us. We are taking steps to improve our health to be with you for as long as we can. I am not as healthy as your father. He will probably be with you longer. I am going to start an even more private journal for you, when I have the opportunity. I want you to keep it and read it.
Back to the story. 2009 was a very bad year. I did eventually have the surgery. The doctor was not very experienced and she punctured my uterus. She had to stop the surgery, and the pollyp was not removed. I made the decision to go back to the Czech Republic anyways, to get the two frozen embryos. The woman that did my ultrasound said I was crazy. The pollyp was taking up a lot of space and there was no room, she said. I should have listened to her. I was desperate to feel that I have accomplished something in my life. That I was a good wife. So I scheduled another trip. It was difficult to get the doctors here to work with the doctors there due to conflicts of interest. My fertility specialist dropped me because he felt entitled to the business and was not willing to share it with anyone. He would no longer due the exams, the ultrasounds, or help me get the medicine that I needed. I couldn't even get my primary care physician to prescribe the birth control pills I needed to regulate my cycle. With limited time to be missing from work, I was desperate. I was on the internet looking for folks to sell me their leftover drugs. And time was of the essence. Once you schedule a date, you have to work backwards and get on a plan. I needed to get birth contol pills in one week and my gynecologist wouldn't see me until two months out. No sympathy. Luckily, a very good and giving friend was able to once again help me out. She knows who she is and she knows what she does. Your father left for Greece during the Thanksgiving holiday to take care of his family business. I spent Thanskgiving completely alone that year. I remember going to WalMart in the middle of the night, just to be around people. I shopped and returned then exchanged just to have somewhere to go and something to do. Then I pulled out some old photos and went to Walgreens to put them on discs. Facebook was really helpful to me during that time in my life. Many people are against it, but I found support there. I reached out to people from my past that I had not spoken to in years. The fact that they were there and said a few kind words meant a lot. I was amazed at how many people reached out to me and supported me. I appreciate it more than anything. Even looking through their photos cheered me up.
A couple of days later I got on a plane and I was planning to meet your father and Aunt Yiota in Prague. We were going to get on a smaller plane together and go to Brno where the doctor's office was located. They had left from Greece earlier that day and were going to tour the city and meet me at the airport. When I left, I knew I had at least an hour in Prague to find them and catch the flight. Somehow, there was a delay and I didn't realize it. I should have known when the girls next to me pushed past me calling out we have another plane to catch. I ran through the airport looking for my luggage. I couldn't find anything. I started to panic and the people that worked there not only refused to speak English, but did not wish to give me any instructions. Go to the airline that you came with. Where is it? Over there (pointing to the opposite direction). Needless to say, I missed the flight. Your father and Aunt Yiota were worried. They tried to delay it, but there was nothing they could do. The plane only left once a day and there wasn't another flight out. They got on the plane and left.
I had funds. I had my brain. I had been there before. I knew the Student Bus leaves the Prague airport on a regular basis and it is a 2 hour ride to Brno. By the time they land, and get to the hotel, I would be there. It stops across the street from our hotel. The hours I spent researching online were quite helpful. I had 20 Euro in my pocket that your father had given me (leftover from a prior trip) it was enough for me not to worry about asking where the nearest ATM machine was, because who knows where they would have sent me. The tickets for the bus were quite inexpensive. I have enough leftover to have a good cup of coffee ( nothing beats the coffee in Europe) and a croissant. But I had one eye on the bus. Sat right in front of it. I didn't want to be told wrong information and have your father and Aunt Yiota worry about my wearabouts.
The ride was quite comfortable. I watched a movie and there was even a capuccino girl on the bus, passing around warm drinks. Loved it. Probably the best part of my trip. I finally arrived to the hotel and knocked on the door and saw a sigh of relief on their faces. They had called hald the world looking for me. Grandpa Elias was worried sick. He in turn called the other half. People I didn't even know, that were innocently Christmas shopping at malls were calling other people in Ohio asking if I was found... you get what I am trying to say here. My sister was in Ohio having breakfast with Uncle George and bring bring a phone call asking if I got on a plane in Boston as if she would know. Anyways, once the high drama was over, we discovered my luggage never made it on the plane. I was tired. I took a hot bath, while Aunt Yiota and your father went out to explore. They had a coffe and when they returned, I dressed in your fathers sweat pants and a couple of his sweaters and we went to the mall for dinner. In Brno, the mall was the place to be. They had all these cool places with the best ice cream desserts and coffees. Given the cold winter weather, it was a refuge and a place to socialize and spend time. I feel like I have written a lot today. I have some studying to do. I will pick up where I left off very soon. I will no longer promise you the next day, but will try to write as much as I can of the history. Love you.
It has been two weeks since I have wrote. I am really starting to long for you. I am filling my time as best as I can and exercising my patience. It is only a matter of time and we will be together.
I will continue the story where I last left off. That December of 2008 that we went to the Czech Republic, I had saved all of my vacation time so that I can rest after the implantation. Since this did not happen for us, I stayed at home anyways so that I could recover emotionally. And this is what I did.
At the start of 2009, I was filled with optimism. I made plans to go to the doctor to be examined. There must have been a reason my anatomy wouldn't allow for this. I was just going to fix it and try again. Try as many times as I needed to until that one time when I would succed. That is all it takes, I told myself. One time. It is a numbers game. And this is what I did. I went to the doctor and found two small pollyps in my uterus. He was able to remove one in his office, albeit dangerous as that was, I have to say he was pretty good. The second one, I would have to go to an OB/gyn for to prepare for surgery. More tests involving painful procedures and as I was preparing to schedule the surgery, we learned some devastating news.
Your grandfater, George, had Stage IV stomach cancer. We knew that he had his stomach removed the preceding summer, but did not know why. Your father was just besides himself. He did not want to believe it. I kept telling him, it is true. We have to move fast. We have to do something. He was in such denial. By the time we asked for paperwork to examine the situation it was too late. Everyone that looked at it said there was nothing to be done. Your father still had hope. We put the baby project on the back burner. I kept trying to persuade him to go to Greece. The news was so devastating to him he moved it to the back of his mind and kept on plugging away, until Aunt Yiota called him and told him it was extremely serious and we had to leave right away. We went to see him in June. It was awful. He was in so much pain he could not bear it. I really liked and respected him. He was smart and strong and capable. It was sad to see him go through this. Your father didn't know what to think; he didn't know what to say; he didn't know what to do. Even as this was happening before his eyes, he couldn't believe it. It was surreal. Your father and I will tell you a lot about him when you are old enough to understand.
We went to Greece to visit. Came back. Two weeks later your father was called back to Greece and he made it just in time to see him one last time. He was a very strong man. He stayed strong to the very end. That year your father went to Greece four times. Luckily, his job was flexible and he did not have any problems. The economy was at its worst during that time. We both had layoffs at work. My company cut its work force in half. Your father's company lost over 300 people and scaled down to a small remote office of 10. Your father made it through by working hard and keeping informed. Education is important. If you do anything if your life, please get yourself a degree. Your life will be easier. I promise you that. At the time of this writing, I am unsure if I will live long enough to see you go to college. I hope that I do. You would make me very proud to know that you were a scholar. I am already planning for it. 50% of my checks are devoted to you. Life was not easy for me or your father. We are financially comfortable yet we struggle. We struggle because we do not have the support that we plan to give you. We did whatever we did on our own without any help from anyone. My other wish for you is to be charitable. If someone needs your support in any way, you must provide it. You don't know what people are struggling with on the inside. One little thing that you may do, can change their life for the better. You may not know it; they may not know it; but keep doing good and it will happen. Do it privately. No one needs to know. Beware of those that ask for a lot. They are not in need. Those that ask take advantage of others. They will ask to see how far they will go. Please use your judgment. I am writing all these things down because I don't know from one day to the next what will happen in this life. I want you to know that we will always love you and have your best interest at heart and we are giving you whatever advice we learned from life. When you come to live with us, a good portion of our life will be behind us. We are taking steps to improve our health to be with you for as long as we can. I am not as healthy as your father. He will probably be with you longer. I am going to start an even more private journal for you, when I have the opportunity. I want you to keep it and read it.
Back to the story. 2009 was a very bad year. I did eventually have the surgery. The doctor was not very experienced and she punctured my uterus. She had to stop the surgery, and the pollyp was not removed. I made the decision to go back to the Czech Republic anyways, to get the two frozen embryos. The woman that did my ultrasound said I was crazy. The pollyp was taking up a lot of space and there was no room, she said. I should have listened to her. I was desperate to feel that I have accomplished something in my life. That I was a good wife. So I scheduled another trip. It was difficult to get the doctors here to work with the doctors there due to conflicts of interest. My fertility specialist dropped me because he felt entitled to the business and was not willing to share it with anyone. He would no longer due the exams, the ultrasounds, or help me get the medicine that I needed. I couldn't even get my primary care physician to prescribe the birth control pills I needed to regulate my cycle. With limited time to be missing from work, I was desperate. I was on the internet looking for folks to sell me their leftover drugs. And time was of the essence. Once you schedule a date, you have to work backwards and get on a plan. I needed to get birth contol pills in one week and my gynecologist wouldn't see me until two months out. No sympathy. Luckily, a very good and giving friend was able to once again help me out. She knows who she is and she knows what she does. Your father left for Greece during the Thanksgiving holiday to take care of his family business. I spent Thanskgiving completely alone that year. I remember going to WalMart in the middle of the night, just to be around people. I shopped and returned then exchanged just to have somewhere to go and something to do. Then I pulled out some old photos and went to Walgreens to put them on discs. Facebook was really helpful to me during that time in my life. Many people are against it, but I found support there. I reached out to people from my past that I had not spoken to in years. The fact that they were there and said a few kind words meant a lot. I was amazed at how many people reached out to me and supported me. I appreciate it more than anything. Even looking through their photos cheered me up.
A couple of days later I got on a plane and I was planning to meet your father and Aunt Yiota in Prague. We were going to get on a smaller plane together and go to Brno where the doctor's office was located. They had left from Greece earlier that day and were going to tour the city and meet me at the airport. When I left, I knew I had at least an hour in Prague to find them and catch the flight. Somehow, there was a delay and I didn't realize it. I should have known when the girls next to me pushed past me calling out we have another plane to catch. I ran through the airport looking for my luggage. I couldn't find anything. I started to panic and the people that worked there not only refused to speak English, but did not wish to give me any instructions. Go to the airline that you came with. Where is it? Over there (pointing to the opposite direction). Needless to say, I missed the flight. Your father and Aunt Yiota were worried. They tried to delay it, but there was nothing they could do. The plane only left once a day and there wasn't another flight out. They got on the plane and left.
I had funds. I had my brain. I had been there before. I knew the Student Bus leaves the Prague airport on a regular basis and it is a 2 hour ride to Brno. By the time they land, and get to the hotel, I would be there. It stops across the street from our hotel. The hours I spent researching online were quite helpful. I had 20 Euro in my pocket that your father had given me (leftover from a prior trip) it was enough for me not to worry about asking where the nearest ATM machine was, because who knows where they would have sent me. The tickets for the bus were quite inexpensive. I have enough leftover to have a good cup of coffee ( nothing beats the coffee in Europe) and a croissant. But I had one eye on the bus. Sat right in front of it. I didn't want to be told wrong information and have your father and Aunt Yiota worry about my wearabouts.
The ride was quite comfortable. I watched a movie and there was even a capuccino girl on the bus, passing around warm drinks. Loved it. Probably the best part of my trip. I finally arrived to the hotel and knocked on the door and saw a sigh of relief on their faces. They had called hald the world looking for me. Grandpa Elias was worried sick. He in turn called the other half. People I didn't even know, that were innocently Christmas shopping at malls were calling other people in Ohio asking if I was found... you get what I am trying to say here. My sister was in Ohio having breakfast with Uncle George and bring bring a phone call asking if I got on a plane in Boston as if she would know. Anyways, once the high drama was over, we discovered my luggage never made it on the plane. I was tired. I took a hot bath, while Aunt Yiota and your father went out to explore. They had a coffe and when they returned, I dressed in your fathers sweat pants and a couple of his sweaters and we went to the mall for dinner. In Brno, the mall was the place to be. They had all these cool places with the best ice cream desserts and coffees. Given the cold winter weather, it was a refuge and a place to socialize and spend time. I feel like I have written a lot today. I have some studying to do. I will pick up where I left off very soon. I will no longer promise you the next day, but will try to write as much as I can of the history. Love you.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
January 7, 2012
I have not blogged for a while. We went to Chicago to spend the holidays. As of this writing your cousins John (age 5), Louis (Age 3) and Peter (Age 1) are quite young. I spent an entire week with them. They are good kids and quite lively and curious. All three of them are very smart and handsome. I wonder how old they will be when they meet you. They will all have a lot to teach you by then.
To continue the story where I left off...
We went to the Czech Republic once again in December of 2008. The weather was cold and quite similar to that of New Hampshire. At the same time it was mild enough to be outside if you dressed warm enough. We decided to rent a hotel room with a small kitchen next to a mall, quite far fromt he doctor's office. We paid for transportation only to the agency and did most other things on our own. It was quite challenging since not many people spoke English where we were. The mall was a savior. We had nothing else to do all day long but either watch CNN or go to the mall and sit there. We were on a tight budget so there was not much extra left over to spend around.
We waited patiently for the donated eggs and after a few days we had two viable embryos. I asked for both. The doctor was hesitant due to my weight, but I wanted success and was prepared to take all necessary risks as they were explained to me. We gave ourselves plenty of days to stay there this time so that I can thoroughly rest prior to traveling back home. The days were dark and boring. We went to Prague during our wait. That was the highlight of our trip. There is a part of the city that takes you back to Medieval times with all of the old architecture. It is a the square of this section of the city where they had all of the Christmas celebrations. There were a lot of outdoor merchants selling warm drinks, warm snacks (e.g. hot wine and roasted nuts). There were a lot of handmade crafts and goodies to look at. As well as many Christmas traditions to learn, such as going up a few steps and ringing a bell for good luck. We lunched at a cozy restaurant with a big fireplace. The food was good. I think I had goolash.
Prague is a modern city but with beautiful architecture. All of the structures had ceramic red roofs. It is a beautiful sight next to a very large river.
Meanwhile, when we returned the following day I was due in for my procedure. I knew things were not going to be great when I saw another doctor in the place of my doctor. I questioned this (based on old experiences this is never a good sign) and they comforted my concerns. It was too late there was nothing we could do. He had gone on vacation and there was no bringing him in.
I got ready and went into the room. Your father came with me. After a half hour of struggles ... we could not get the embryos to their proper place safely in my uterus. They tried everything. No luck.
He asked me to come back the following day (on a Sunday) to try again under general anesthesia. I was so desperate I allowed people I didn't know anything about to put me under inside a doctor's office without any knowledge of where the nearest hospital might be in case anything went wrong. I took the risk. There was nothing else I can do..I worked too long too hard .. kissed too many rear ends... made so many sacrifices... begged so many people for help. No one really helped us. Give us your money and walk away.
Anyways, I went in, this jolly fellow said to me "Now you will sleep..." I woke up looked around and no one was talking... I started panicing .. I asked hopefully "are we done? are they in?" no one answered. They asked me to go to the recovery room. Your father was told not to tell me anything. I rested. A few mintues later the doctor came in and broke the news. He tried everything. I have stenosis (tightening).. he tried his best for a half hour again. They will freeze the embryos for next time. We have to go home empty handed. Your father was very sad. He tried not to show it. I felt so bad for disappointing him. I turned over and crawled deep under the covers. I could not believe this was happening to me. Every day people get pregnant. They don't even try hard enough. Why couldn't I accomplish this one thing? It is only natural. I felt so incapable and worthless. The nurses came and tried to coach me out of bed. I wasn't budging. I couldn't even cry. I was immobilized by the shock of it all. I realized these people were only trying to help and they deserved to go home after coming in unscheduled on a Sunday. I tried really really hard to get out of bed.... more tomorrow.
To continue the story where I left off...
We went to the Czech Republic once again in December of 2008. The weather was cold and quite similar to that of New Hampshire. At the same time it was mild enough to be outside if you dressed warm enough. We decided to rent a hotel room with a small kitchen next to a mall, quite far fromt he doctor's office. We paid for transportation only to the agency and did most other things on our own. It was quite challenging since not many people spoke English where we were. The mall was a savior. We had nothing else to do all day long but either watch CNN or go to the mall and sit there. We were on a tight budget so there was not much extra left over to spend around.
We waited patiently for the donated eggs and after a few days we had two viable embryos. I asked for both. The doctor was hesitant due to my weight, but I wanted success and was prepared to take all necessary risks as they were explained to me. We gave ourselves plenty of days to stay there this time so that I can thoroughly rest prior to traveling back home. The days were dark and boring. We went to Prague during our wait. That was the highlight of our trip. There is a part of the city that takes you back to Medieval times with all of the old architecture. It is a the square of this section of the city where they had all of the Christmas celebrations. There were a lot of outdoor merchants selling warm drinks, warm snacks (e.g. hot wine and roasted nuts). There were a lot of handmade crafts and goodies to look at. As well as many Christmas traditions to learn, such as going up a few steps and ringing a bell for good luck. We lunched at a cozy restaurant with a big fireplace. The food was good. I think I had goolash.
Prague is a modern city but with beautiful architecture. All of the structures had ceramic red roofs. It is a beautiful sight next to a very large river.
Meanwhile, when we returned the following day I was due in for my procedure. I knew things were not going to be great when I saw another doctor in the place of my doctor. I questioned this (based on old experiences this is never a good sign) and they comforted my concerns. It was too late there was nothing we could do. He had gone on vacation and there was no bringing him in.
I got ready and went into the room. Your father came with me. After a half hour of struggles ... we could not get the embryos to their proper place safely in my uterus. They tried everything. No luck.
He asked me to come back the following day (on a Sunday) to try again under general anesthesia. I was so desperate I allowed people I didn't know anything about to put me under inside a doctor's office without any knowledge of where the nearest hospital might be in case anything went wrong. I took the risk. There was nothing else I can do..I worked too long too hard .. kissed too many rear ends... made so many sacrifices... begged so many people for help. No one really helped us. Give us your money and walk away.
Anyways, I went in, this jolly fellow said to me "Now you will sleep..." I woke up looked around and no one was talking... I started panicing .. I asked hopefully "are we done? are they in?" no one answered. They asked me to go to the recovery room. Your father was told not to tell me anything. I rested. A few mintues later the doctor came in and broke the news. He tried everything. I have stenosis (tightening).. he tried his best for a half hour again. They will freeze the embryos for next time. We have to go home empty handed. Your father was very sad. He tried not to show it. I felt so bad for disappointing him. I turned over and crawled deep under the covers. I could not believe this was happening to me. Every day people get pregnant. They don't even try hard enough. Why couldn't I accomplish this one thing? It is only natural. I felt so incapable and worthless. The nurses came and tried to coach me out of bed. I wasn't budging. I couldn't even cry. I was immobilized by the shock of it all. I realized these people were only trying to help and they deserved to go home after coming in unscheduled on a Sunday. I tried really really hard to get out of bed.... more tomorrow.
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